Midwest Exclusive: Oberweis

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Chatting with coworkers during the holidays, egg nog inevitably came up in conversation. Pumpkin may be my favorite holiday flavor, but egg nog runs a close section, especially since egg nog is more easily paired with alcohol. Unfortunately, this conversation also brought to light a disturbing revelation:

The east coast has no Oberweis.

Those outside the Midwest — even outside the soybean paradise that is Illinois — might be rumpling their foreheads. Oberweis? they ponder. Is that some sort of Nazi uber-weapon? Well, maybe — if the Nazis had weaponized dairy to be fatally delicious.

I guess I can understand why Oberweis is an Illinois-exclusive chain. I mean, I’m no expert on agriculture in the United States, but from the few times I’ve been on a train in New York state versus a train in Illinois, the cow population in the Empire State just doesn’t compare to the Land of the Lincoln. Still, that just means that New York, nay, the ENTIRE COUNTRY, has something incredible to discover.

If I directed 2001: A Space Odyssey, this would be the monolith.

Here’s the 2 things you need to know about Oberweis: 1) their broad, distinctive glass bottle, which can be refilled, and delivered to your door in a 1950s fashion; 2) no one does egg nog this good.

You could milk a god damn reindeer and it wouldn't be this good.

What makes Oberweis egg nog distinct from other, lesser egg nog is how thick it is. It’s nearly a milkshake. I can’t even say it’s nearly a melted milkshake, because when milkshakes melt, they are not as thick as this egg nog. When you take a sip of this mid-American ambrosia, it adheres viscously to every nook, every ridge, every crevice in your mouth. Once the lips have been breached, no place in your mouth is safe against its creamy invasion.

You've been warned.

In addition to milk delivery and egg nog, Oberweis also has stand-alone locations that serves ice cream. While I was home for the holidays, I stopped in, intending to order one of their seasonal specials to review.

And that seasonal special is sweet, sweet Apple Crisp.

Alas, after my POS transaction, I was informed they were out of crumble. But in true Midwestern fashion, the manager compensated by letting me choose anything off the menu. Figuring I had been spurned by the fancy, I went for the simple: egg nog ice cream.

Pure love, solidified.

Check out that serving dish! Although it wasn’t glass, thus robbing it of some authenticity, it still has that classic “soda-jerk” shape, recalling the 1950s. That’s another thing I like about Oberweis. Along with the milk delivery service, it maintains that sort of post-war, hometown return-to-innocence Americana vibe.  Unlike Sonic or Steak ‘n Shake, though, it doesn’t have a kitschy flavor to it. It’s instead like an outdated attitude has been warped into the future, and can only exist within the walls of an Oberweis location.

Case in point: the good-will of the manager. In addition to letting me pick whatever I wanted to eat post-Apple Crisp-disappointment, he also hooked me and my friend up with two tall glasses of chocolate milk on the house.

Are we in an episode of Leave It To Beaver?

Anyway, I don’t think I need to tell you the ice cream (and the milk) was delicious. What gives Oberweis that extra special flavor, though, is the atmosphere. Dairy products are notoriously reminiscent of home: that glass of milk your mom made you chug after school — dipping Oreos in milk — laughing at your sister’s milk moustache. Then again, these images are not so much home as home viewed through a nostalgic lens. Oberweis manages to turn that nostalgic lens upon its entire brand, making every visit a journey into the past. In my mind, that makes Oberweis the perfect Midwestern brand: a little naive, a little tacky, but hearty and homey to the core.

Related posts:

Thirsty Thursday: Jamba JuiceCombo Creations: The Ice Cream SandwichTaste Test: McDonald’s Rolo McFlurry

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